Single, abstinent & tired of waiting? Here's some encouragement for you

Article By Dianna Hobbs

I was heartbroken for her as I read her message.

A 34-year-old woman requesting prayer sent me an email. She had abstained from sex all her life. Waiting until marriage was her goal, not as some prize or trophy, but as a way of truly honoring God.

But as she saw her friends and family landing their “Mr. Right,” getting engaged, walking down the aisle and having children, she began to feel lonely and left out.

“I felt like God had forgotten about me,” she said. “It was like my biological clock was ticking and “my dream of getting married, having 2 kids, a dog and a white picket fence was getting away from me.”

Angry with God for not allowing her “Boaz to come waltzing through the door,” she felt her heart growing harder by the day. She told me, “Dianna, my faith was so low. I was so tired of holding out, believing God for my breakthrough and doing the right thing, and all for what?”

Her faith was diminishing. She stopped going to church and focused on making things happen on her own.

“I felt like at that point I could do a better job than God. I’m just being honest. I didn’t even know if I wanted to be a Christian any longer,” she wrote.

Well, she met a guy at an upscale social club. They connected and she liked him. They had similar tastes and interests. He had a great career, but was not religious. “That was my only real problem, but everything else was on point,” she said.

Things progressed quickly.

Soon, she learned that he wasn’t really into the abstinence thing and that was problematic as well, but, by this time, she felt like “compromising seemed to be a small price for getting rid of the loneliness I felt.”

After all those years of waiting, she gave in and had sex with him three months into their relationship. “I figured, at least I honored the 90-day rule,” she reasoned.

What she didn’t factor in was that this guy was a ladies man. He was pretty much putting on the nice guy act for her to get one thing.

After he got it, things were great for a little while.

But then she received a phone call that broke her down.

His baby’s mother retrieved her number from the cheater’s mobile phone.

This strange, irate woman had three children by this man.

To make matters worse he had been with this other woman for years. They still live together and he has no intentions of leaving.

Shortly after that devastating revelation, feeling confused and used, this woman tried to end her life.

My heart ached as I read her story. I have read others like it. Even though there are differences, I find one similar thread running through them all.

The single woman that’s waiting on God gets tired of waiting and begins to feel like her faithfulness to the Lord is in vain. She starts to believe she has been overlooked and will never have her dream of meeting the God-ordained man with whom she is predestined to spend her life.

Impatience takes over and the results are usually unfavorable.

My dear friend, getting antsy and aggravated, and compromising standards can lead to difficult and unfortunate outcomes. Don’t let Satan trick you and cause you to fall into this trap of seduction.

One of the most important scriptures for every single and abstinent person to have in their arsenal and internalize is found in Philippians 4:6, which says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.”

Don’t get in a hurry. Don’t get all anxious and bent out of shape. Don’t start saying, I have to have someone now!

Wait for God's timing.

If you have been feeling yourself growing agitated with your single and abstinent journey lately, shift your focus and think about all the benefits of waiting for sex. Here are 10.

1. You honor your spiritual commitment to God, which is most important of all.

2. You avoid developing soul ties with multiple partners.

3. You don’t have to endure the heartbreak that follows giving yourself away to an unworthy person who devalues you afterward.

4. You are able to connect with a mate based on true love, without being blinded by lust, giving yourself a better chance at a successful relationship.

5. Your God-honoring lifestyle allows God into the process of connecting you with your soul mate, helping you avoid making the wrong choice.

6. You will not have to deal with the overwhelming guilt that comes with sexual compromise.

7. You will not be hindered from walking in your divine purpose due to hidden sexual sin.

8. You will avoid sexually transmitted diseases—some of which are incurable and can impact your quality of life forever.

9. You will not need to worry about bringing a child into the world with someone who is not ready to commit to you or that life they helped you create.

10. You will feel strong, confident and experience the true freedom that comes from walking in obedience to God and submitting to His will.

_________________________________________________________________

To learn how to better value yourself, uphold your standards and resist sexual compromise, get your copy of Dianna Hobbs' best-selling book The New A-list: Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder, now available on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and Booksamllion.com.

Comments

[God's Property]

With all due respect, a person who was married in his/her early/mid twenties has no place giving a 30+ year old advice on virginity or abstaining from sex. Good intentions aside, you don't have the capacity to dish advice here because if you did, you would have known how redundant, insulting, and triggering your "10 benefits" are.

I appreciate your commitment to this topic, but the church's obsession with purity (specifically for women) borders on idolatry. Not to mention the fact that it still doesn't even meet God's requirement for purity, so how we've convinced ourselves that it does is beyond me.

The truth is, what happened to this woman Could have happened to a person who did wait until marriage to have sex. People choose not so great partners. Relationships dissolve. I've seen Christian marriages where both parties enter as virgins, yet the marriage still ends in divorce. If anything was this woman's problem, it's the fact that she fell victim to the church's idolatry of virginity (exclusively for women) where we're taught not having sex before marriage is sufficient enough to meet God's expectation for purity. It's not. She fell victim to the belief that if she waited, God would Automatically give her a husband-- as if sacrifice is what the Lord desires; or worse yet, that he can be manipulated through our actions.

The truth is, only God knows His will for her life. None of us walk in obedience to God's word as our inherent sinful natures doesn't allow us. Furthermore, being married is no guaranteed that your partner will be responsible in rearing your child. Married people sometimes contract STIs from their spouses. Heartbreak is not limited to fornicators as many married people can attest to that.

As a body, we've got to stop reducing God's Word to simplistic steps that if followed, will guarantee a trouble-free life. The only thing that could help this woman is the promise and act of prayer and sharing her pain. Anything else is insufficient.

[Dianna Hobbs]

Wow, that’s a loaded comment, "God's Property."

But I feel led to share something very important with you. It is critical that we don’t nullify the word of God by our own traditions and perspectives. Purity is still right. It is biblical. It is required—even in this modern day and age where anything goes. We cannot become grace abusers, meaning, focusing so heavily on the free gift of grace Christ gives as an excuse to do whatever we want. No, we cannot earn God’s approval, however, we do have a job as Christians to honor God’s commands.

Sex before marriage is sin, for everyone.

Now, to address a few other things and I say a few because your comment is too convoluted and all over the place to address them all…

Since I see firsthand so many people that are helped by the message of purity God has led me to share—being married young and all— I focus on that, instead of negativity like you have spewed here.

While it is true that being obedient to God’s word and waiting for marriage to have sex (something, from my viewpoint, that applies to both men and women equally) does not guarantee a perfect life, if my understanding of God’s word is correct, we are not obedient to Scripture as a way of manipulating God. It is our “reasonable sacrifice” to present our bodies holy as Romans 12:1 states. We don’t obey just to get something out of it. Obedience is motivated by our love and devotion to Christ for His sacrifice and our desire to please the Lord.

Period.

There is no way to live a Christian life and skip over sacrifice and obedience. We must die to ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Christ in all areas of life—including sexuality.

As for me, I will continue helping those who are open to receiving the message God has given me. I will go on sharing and rejoicing with those who are seeing the benefits of receiving and applying the purity principles they have received through this ministry.

May the Lord bless you on your journey. And may you understand this: it is not the opinion of man that qualifies me to do what I’m doing. It is the call of God. He has anointed me to walk along this path, something that the fruit of this ministry demonstrates, and I will continue doing that.

Please be mindful that you don’t get to pick and choose who God uses. That goes for me and everyone else. If youth were a determining factor in getting started, many of the biblical kings and prophets would have never done the work of the Lord. If they had to have experiences that mirrored everyone they were trying to help, they would have never fulfilled their divine purpose. That argument, whenever it is used, is misguided.

We need to look no further than our own Savior, the ultimate example, to see that God's power works through young vessels. Jesus was 12 years old when going back and forth with the seasoned teachers of the law in Scripture. (Luke 2:41-52)

Be careful how you judge and what you say. You have the freedom to sit behind a keyboard and type whatever you want, but what you don’t have is authority to determine the course of anyone’s destiny.

Disagreeing with my points is one thing, but telling me that I "don't have the capacity to dish advice here," on the very site that people all over the world have come to and been blessed from reading, is out of line.

[God's Property]

I'll admit-- it was out of line and I sincerely apologize for that.

However, my words were written out of frustration for non-adult virgins advising adult virgins. It extends way beyond you. The pain experienced by 30+ year old virgins is so unimaginable I couldn't begin to tell you. And in my experience, the most comforting words regarding this issue have either come from the Lord Himself or people living the struggle.

And for the record, I don't disagree with your points at all as they're rooted in Scripture and I most certainly don't disagree with Scripture. It's just the irony of years worth of listening to non-adult virgins advise adult virgins that's starting to get to me.

Anyway, no need to explain how God and not man determines your path as I'm fully aware and have no intention of trying to usurp His authority. What you read as anger and disrespect in my initial response was really just years worth of frustration and weariness.

Peace and blessings to you and the work you've been called to do.

[lisa]

God word is true

[star]

I wonder did you ever wait before having sex before marriage yourself? If not then how can you relate to someone in their 30's,40'so and 50's who are waiting? I think you mean well aND yit make some good points. But, the reality is that most people who are sexually active before marriage have a tendency to make people who wait feel like there is something wrong with them. In my experience most ministries that I have seen do not know how to reach people that are celibate. And usually the only advice they give is keep working for God as if you weren'the already trying to do God's work. And most pastors that I came into contact with usually have such an ungodly past to they don't know how to effectively minister to people in this area. There are several women and men who waited decades and are confused and hurt.

[Jasmine Bell]

I know what you are saying Dianna but I am 27 years old and still a virgin! Oh my gosh I rather lose my virginity even if it is in a one night stand to someone who is also a virgin than a guy who i marry who is a non virgin!!! Yikes! 27 year old virgin who is tired of this. I will hold out a little bit longer but yeah I think I will give in soon cuz this is getting out of hand. I actually will be 28 October 11th! 28 and still a virgin I anticipated being married by 28 and this sucks. Your points are good and I am so much better off for abstaining instead of being sexually active against my will or becoming sexually active with unreasonable expectations. I mean if i have sex before marriage the last thing I expect is to get married to whom I start banging because being abstinent NEVER moves a guy to marry u if he can't marry you or refuses.

[Keris]

Being a 30+ virgin is indeed a struggle. I agree with many points in this article. As a matter-of-fact, I relate almost completely with the woman who emailed you except that I haven't compromised with a Mr. Almost-Perfect. I've been fighting with the "I'll just find my own man" idea recently.

I have to agree with the comment from God's Property in some ways. I already know the benefits of waiting. I (and ppl like me) need encouragement & hope to "help" me wait and CONTINUE to trust, to help me not feel forgotten or sentenced to 70 more years of childless, sexless singlehood. In my 20's, especially early 20's, I was much more carefree when it came to marriage b/c I just "knew" it would happen and that I had time. 10+ years have come and gone and my outlook is different, my feelings are different. 20-year-old me wouldn't be able to comprehend what 30-year-old+ me is/has been going through. 20-year-old me doesn't know how things have intensified (and I'm not even speaking on sexual desire). So, when God's Property says that it's not the same, I completely understand. If I were married in my early 20's, I most definitely wouldn't understand what it's like. (How could I? It's akin to my being able to drive since early adulthood telling a matured adult who's disability from adolescence has kept them from ever learning that "I know how it feels." No - I know that it's unfortunate and I may remember a bit what it's like to need a ride from someone, but I can't fully relate with their struggle or living with a disability)

You mentioned you've come across many women like this, so I know you have some understanding, but to be "that" person (the actual one going through it) is so much more painful and trying. I think the listed benefits are mostly helpful to those not understanding why they should maintain their purity, but some of us are looking for something that will assure us that we aren't broken, damaged, forgotten or unworthy (which is easy to think); something that will edify our spirits and comfort our pain and heal/erase our disappointment. Maybe that can be addressed in a future post. No one really talks about the "old maids." They just repeatedly pour out "wait!", "be busy!" and "honor God." Those aren't bad things, but they are surface statements for a heart that is grieving ("Hope deferred..."). There are deeper issues that can be addressed.

Again, I'm not against you or your article or your right to speak to older singles/virgins. I just wanted to offer my take to the discussion and add to the perspective of older celibate/virgin women. God bless you and may He continue to use you for His divine purposes.

Note: I recognize that marriage is not a given.

[Aleah]

Thank you to the real women
In these comments. A woman by the name of Taia Crews wrote a book called church girls get horny too. It’s a great read!! It’s very sad and depressing to not have any intimacy or connection for years. But I’ll be okay. This encourages me to find a group that’s helps women in this situation.

[Linda]

I’m a woman & also a virgin that will be 40 later this year. I have continued to wait but it’s getting ridiculous at this point. Especially when I’m seeing so many friends/ acquaintances have babies without being married or getting married when they clearly weren’t doing things Gods’ way. Yet they are still being celebrated - even in the church. I hate it when friends tell me my standards are too high because I want someone that has never been married & has no kids. It’s especially annoying because most of these woman are married (some married in their 20’s) and they married men that had no kids and had not been married before. Why is it unacceptable for me to want the same thing? I’ve also had enough of the purity talk. Clearly it doesn’t apply.