I need to tell you something to free myself. Read this.
It all started with a woman named Lawanda. God used her in my life in a way that has forever changed me for the better.
I want to tell you about it because you walk with me through life daily through my personal blog (http://bit.ly/1wCAkWL) and here on Facebook. So I regard you as family.
On this, the last day of the year, I refuse to carry the baggage of my past with me into 2015.
I am freeing myself.
Will you allow me to open up to you in a lengthy post?
I was sexually molested by my neighbor when I was six years old in broad daylight. I have said this before, but there’s more I want to share.
Keep reading.
I never told my parents until I was an adult.
I never spoke about it publicly until I was ministering at a “Beautiful Me” women’s conference in Alabama last year hosted by Lakeisha Rainey-Collins and the Holy Spirit prompted me to tell.
When that grown man—my schoolmate’s dad—stole my innocence, it tore me apart. I didn’t realize a lot of the mental and emotional impact it had on me until this year.
Here’s what happened.
I signed on for a project after a colleague, Julio “Kre8tor” Montalvo, asked me to be in a Christian music video he was shooting.
It wasn’t until the first day of shooting that I fully understood what I would be doing.
I would actually be playing the role of a woman who was raped by her father at age nine. Her name is Lawanda, the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post.
On set, I broke down so badly, Kre8tor had to stop shooting. I was so embarrassed, but I shouldn’t have been. I needed to get it out. All the pent-up stuff that was hidden and buried deep down within me needed a release.
Whether I wanted it to or not, it came pouring out of me.
When I walked away from everyone else on set, I hurried into this small bathroom, curled up on the floor like a baby and rocked, and sobbed. I was unable to cope with what my memory was forcing me to pull up.
Just like that, mentally, I was back on Leroy Avenue in Buffalo’s inner city, on my way to School 61 where I attended first grade.
On the video set, even though I am a grown woman, in my head, I was six again. My molester was there again, breathing heavily, doing things to me that no child should ever have to endure.
I was in that red coat again, with other adults seeing this man come up to me, but they didn’t think anything of it. They must have assumed my predator was my protector.
I think they thought he was my father.
So no one stopped him.
Many times, I’ve wished I had stopped him. But I knew him. I thought he was safe.
What he did to me behind that building is etched in my memory.
It hurt too badly to deal with it, so I tucked it away.
Until I had to face it again on that video set.
Although my experience was different from Lawanda’s, I had to face that ugliness in order to play the role properly.
It turns out that I didn’t have to “play a role”. I didn’t do any acting. I was purging emotionally. The camera just so happened to be rolling.
I was broken, but before my breakdown on set, I had convinced myself I was healed of the pain of my past. I thought I was okay—that I was dealing with it.
I wasn’t.
When I had to mouth the lyrics to the “Secrets” song by Jason “Json” Watson—a Stellar Award nominated Christian rapper—I had to revisit the moment that wrecked me.
You see, Lawanda, the woman who was raped by her father at nine is Jason’s wife. He courageously told her story of abuse through the song “Secrets” that God, in His sovereignty, made sure I heard.
I never knew the song existed before this project was presented to me.
Even listening to it leading up to the video shoot was difficult. I just wept in my bedroom. My eyes were swollen. I grieved. I beat the floor. I bawled until my pillow was soaked through. I locked the door so the children didn't see their mother so torn up. I was a mess.
Why did I have to listen to this song? Why couldn’t I just tuck the memory away? Why was this happening? Why couldn't I just go on like "normal"?
I wondered all those things.
God knew the answer before I did.
I had been walking around broken and bleeding inside while ministering to others. I didn’t know I was broken.
God did.
For the longest time, I was so ashamed. I felt dirty. I felt like maybe it was my fault.
I now know it wasn’t my fault.
No, I REALLY know that thanks to biblical counseling, lots of prayer, love and support.
I realize that I am not defined by what my molester did to me on Leroy Avenue or what He took away from me before I took off running to school.
I know I am not the only one who had their innocence stolen. There are so many women (and men) out there, like me, who have been silently suffering.
I don’t know why it happened to me. I know God didn’t cause it, but He IS using it for His purposes.
By the grace of God, the pain of my history has not consumed me, but rather, it has equipped and qualified me to help other survivors.
I am doing just that.
When God impressed it upon my heart to turn all that misery into ministry, He already knew He was going to use EEW Magazine, which I own and operate with an incredibly gifted, creative, supportive and selfless team, as a vehicle for positive change.
EEW, the nation's leading web publication for women of faith and color has officially partnered with the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization, to launch the “No More Secrets” campaign to support sexual abuse survivors.
Visit the website here: http://bit.ly/13UinMQ
"The No More Secrets" campaign, inspired by a beautiful, courageous Christian couple, Jason and Lawanda, has officially kicked off. I will be forever grateful for these two. They are now my family.
Watch them share their story here: http://bit.ly/1vv11fQ
Other women have been so incredibly brave and have shared their stories that you can read on the campaign website. I am deeply humbled that they would join this effort.
Read the stories of other survivors: http://bit.ly/1to9Wjd
Friend, 2014 was a painful year in my healing process. I'm not going to lie and act like it has been easy.
And though the process isn’t over, I thank God that, for the very first time, I’m really dealing with it, releasing anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and that horrible, horrible cloud of shame that once hovered over me.
I will not carry that baggage into 2015.
Thank you for allowing me to unburden myself and share my journey with you.
I also want to empower as many people as I can to begin their process of healing.
Will you allow God to use your hands to help me do that?
If you, or someone you know has been sexually abused, please help spread the word about the “No More Secrets” campaign and be on the lookout for the video Monday, January 5th.
You can share your story too. Send it to [email protected]
Through all the pain and difficulty, I see healing coming out of brokenness.
To God be all the glory!
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
Happy New Year!
As always, thanks for reading and until next time... may today's cup of inspiration uplift, encourage, and empower you!
If you need prayer, don't hesitate to request it. I would be honored to stand in faith with you. I know that prayer works. CLICK HERE to learn how to submit your prayer request.
